sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 23:57:12 GMT

Yes, I am still alive.

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 22:08:00 GMT

Home still sucks a lot. Work has been kind of tense. Lately my friends find nothing I do to be acceptable. So the only time I'm content lately is hanging out with Charlie. Too bad I only do that once or twice a week.

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 09:03:46 GMT

Friday was the wedding of Chris and Minta. I left work early and managed to do mine and Tyree's hair and make it to the church on time. I'm so glad Tyree drove and I chose hairstyles for both of us that stood up to the wind. Minta looked great and Chris didn't even seem nervous. The church service started late because in the rush to get Minta to the church, the wedding dress was left behind. After the service Tyree and I stopped at the coffeehouse and got some french press coffee(seriously, if you've never had coffee from a french press you're missing out) which we badly needed as we were sort of dragging ass. The reception was at Crystal Gardens along with two other wedding receptions. I'm pretty sure Chris and Minta had planned to do things at the reception a little differently than usual, but were sort of bullied into a typical wedding reception. To me the best part of the reception was when the priest was giving the blessing and our table could clearly hear "Desert Rose"(the Sting song with the crazy yodelling) and it was all we could do not to laugh out loud. Other than that, just the usual wedding stuff. Angelo and Frank came up later and we got lots of pictures of the coffeehouse group.

Today(or yesterday if you want to get technical) we set out for the cider mill a little later than we originally planned. Angelo borrowed his family's full sized van. Admission was kind of steep, but we knew that ahead of time. First stop was the petting farm which had an adorable little baby goat. Tyree and Jeff weren't up for the corn maze, so Angelo and I went in without them. I enjoyed the fact that you don't just find your way through, they give you a punch card and you go through and find the different shaped hole punchers all over the maze. If you had at least six you got a prize. We had five punches and tried really hard to find the last one, but after visiting all of the ones we had twice we decided to quit. We went through this haunted house which was mostly pitch black and at one point you go squeeze through these inflatable walls. It reminded us of a birthing canal. Next we grabbed some cider and donuts and got attacked by bees. Good times overall.

We went to City Club and I decided I wanted to try a clove cigarette, so Angelo bought a pack. After we finished our first round of drinks we broke them out. It wasn't any better than a regular cigarette for me. It was so strange. There was smoke drifting towards my face and I was like "eew, get it away" and then it dawns on me that it's coming from MY cigarette. I felt a little queasy later on. Not the best time tonight, but not terrible either.

I should get some sleep. I have another first date tomorrow! Here's hoping my lungs won't be too angry with me.

Thu, 04 Oct 2007 22:19:18 GMT

Tonight I'm going over Charlie's and he's making dinner. I believe he said lamb was on the menu. Score! He's going to all that trouble for me, so I bought him a small tin of spiced plumb tea leaves from the coffeehouse. Hope he likes it.

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 19:41:29 GMT

I don't want to give too many details yet because I want to tell my friends in person, but the date went well. We met up at a coffeehouse. I couldn't believe how quite I was. It's all good, though. He likes to talk. We went for a long walk and I got to see Noir Leather. I did end up going back to his house, but first I gave Tyree the address so everyone would know where to look for my remains. Making out was a lot of fun and he was very respectful.

This sounds like fun. Anybody in?

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 13:40:22 GMT

Who: Award Winning Comedy Hypnotist Kevin Lepine

What: Uncensored Comedy Hypnosis Show. Your friends will do the most unforgettable things.
www.KevinLepine.com for more details or myspace.com/kevinuncanny

When: Friday Sept 7th. 9:15pm

Where: Paychecks Lounge
2932 Caniff
Hamtramck, MI 48212

How much: $10 18+only

PRESS RELEASE:

One night only award winning hypnotist returns to Detroit. Booked as an opening act for such acts as Bill Clinton, the Beach Boys, Gena Davis and many more Kevin brings the hilarious and amazingly real world of hypnosis back home for a totally uncensored show.

Every so often you happen upon a show unlike any other. Hypnotist Kevin Lepine is one of those shows. Kevin is filling clubs and theatres with his unique and hilarious approach to hypnotist. Audiences are responding with a standing ovation every night.
With a certification in hypnotherapy, Kevin is taking comedy hypnosis to a whole new level.
"I want my volunteers to have the time of their lives. The volunteers have even more fun than the audiences." Says Kevin.
The comedy world is being blown away by this incredible, award winning performer. You won't stop laughing as your friends answer their shoes, fight for napkins, turn into Brittney Spears and become the stars of the show. Through it all you will never forget Kevin Lepine

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 00:47:44 GMT

It's all good.

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 20:25:35 GMT

I just cleaned the fuck out of my car!

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 03:04:24 GMT

So far so good with the new job. I'm the only white person. I hope that when they're comfortable with me I get picked on for this. I'd love it if they called me token or cracker or I'd even settle for whitey. I love that when the patients are gone the doctor walks around without her shoes.

The office is terribly unorganized and I can't wait to get my hands on everything and get it in order. It's going to take a while, but I'm up to the task. Next week I'll be working half days Tuesday and Thursday and 9-5 the rest of the week. On full days I get a 30 paid break. No time cards, either. I'm on the honor system. I'm so glad to be kept busy at work again!

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 00:43:37 GMT

The forecast was correct. It did rain daily. Everyone brought a fan, but it was quite cool in New Era and we left the fans unused in the corner. I would have loved to hang up the hammock, have a fire every night and just spend more time outdoors in general, but I was prepared to spend a lot of time indoors. I did some reading, some writing, but mostly played a LOT of The Bard's Tale. I didn't finish the game, but I think I came close. Tyree was very kind to let me mostly take over her PS2. We went for ice cream a couple of times, managed to swim a few times and almost constantly had a movie on. I finally got to see Hanibal Rising and rather enjoyed it. I went to the winery with Ty and Marisa, but the wine we planned on buying several bottles of was sold out. We didn't feel like petting wet goats, so we didn't visit the petting zoo. e bought way too much food like we always do. Marisa made an awesome dinner every night.

I had a bad dream each night. Almost like my subconscious was mocking me saying, "You are NOT ok!" It was really difficult to fall asleep the last night we were there, which really sucked because we had to have the cabin clean and haul out of there by 10:00 the next morning. We ate at Bennigan's on the way home and thankfully did not meet any traffic jams. Good times. You never know what's going to come out of Verne's mouth and he's a really funny guy. I thought Elise was annoying when she was little, but she grew up to be pretty cool.

I tried to nap when I came home, but it didn't work. I finished reading The Bell Jar instead. Then I dragged my tired ass to the coffeehouse where we met up and went to City Club. That was fucking crazy. It was Roman's birthday and there were these brightly colored balloons everywhere which looked really out of place. He was giving out vip bracelets and I was surprised to get one. It entitled me to go up on the stage and have cake and free jello shots. I only had two. There were so many people there! Angelo and I ended up leaving before close.

Chris and Minta's wedding shower was this morning, so I still didn't get to catch up on sleep. I don't think I've been to one before and it was kind of weird to be there. I didn't realize only women were invited. The other women at the table were talking about their husbands, babies...Tyree and I were trying to keep our vulgar jokes quiet. The food was pretty damn good. When Minta got up to start opening presents I had to supress the urge to yell, "Show us your boobs!" I didn't know how well it would go over with Chris's mom. She already thinks of me as some dirty skank who got her son drunk. They got a shit ton of presents. That included four of the same blender and three of the same iron. Minta was under a lot of pressure and she must be so glad to have it over with. I wonder how they got all those presents home.

Tomorrow is my first day at the new office. I'm a little nervous about it, but anxiety seems to be status quo for me lately. I sometimes wonder if I have a problem. Here I go spending so much time worrying, I've finally gotten to the point of worrying how much I worry.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 19:40:50 GMT

I'm home. And too tired to concentrate. Must try to nap. Going out tonight. Pictures/trip summary later.

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 05:10:58 GMT

Packing took a lot longer than I expected. Probably because I took a while to work up the energy. Now I can't sleep. I hate this! I'm tired all day and now it's 1:00 and I'm wide awake.

Oh, well. I can catch up on sleep on the trip. We leave tomorrow morning around 9. I doubt my phone will get a signal, so for the next week I will be unreachable.

Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:25:30 GMT

According to yahoo weather's 10 day forecast; it will be raining each day of our vacation!

CATFIGHT!

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 17:22:18 GMT

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 13:48:23 GMT

My boss was rather nice when I told him. He said he understood. Said he was glad I found another job. Wished me the best of luck.

I still have very little to do my last two days. I've been on the computer so much lately the internet is starting to bore me.

My cats were fighting over a box this morning and I took pictures. I might put them in photobucket when I get home. They're cute.

2 more days!

so. very. bored.

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 18:20:00 GMT

I'm stuck at work alone for who knows how long.

I left by boss a note on Monday, but the way he sounded when I called on Tuesday leads me to believe he didn't see the note. He said he would call back later and I decided to address it then. Then his niece says she has to go, her aunt is in the hospital. Obviously he didn't call back or come in.

I come in this morning and there are two messages: one from the boss's niece saying she won't be in until noon and one from Colin saying he had a family emergency and he won't be in at all. So I call all the patients and reschedule them. Oh and it's well past noon and she's not here. No idea if my boss will be in.

I have the interweb, but I've been on it all morning. Not much work to be done...

I made my packing list for my trip. Only three more days!

In the spirit of fresh starts

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 18:56:54 GMT

When talking about my new job with Jeff, he mentions me having a whole fresh start. I'm rather enamored with this idea. Writing about my thoughts has certainly been therapeutic for me. They no longer keep me awake at night or drive me to distraction. The simple fact that I no longer feel so compelled to write them is very telling. Perhaps one more good purge would give my mind the purity befitting a fresh start. I don't want to go on vacation with such things lingering in my mind.

I don't know quite where to begin as the thoughts are somewhat scattered. Perhaps the stages of grief can lend some structure: Denial, Depression, Anger, Acceptance. I understand they don't necessarily occur in this order and the stages themselves have many facets.

"Denial can happen in two ways, either it's that nagging little voice in the back of your mind that keeps telling you that it’s time to get out of the relationship and you keep it gagged, making excuses and rationalizing why you need to stay. Or, the object of your affection has left, stopped calling, stood you up repeatedly, not invited you to important events…basically, you are abandoned emotionally or physically."

I spent a long time in denial. It may be why my relationships have lasted so long. I got so wrapped up in the past. How great things used to be. I was constantly making excuses for him. I didn't want to face the fact that Will was no longer the person I fell in love with(god knows if THAT Will ever truly existed). I stayed focused on how great things were GOING to be someday. I'm not really sure if I based my perceptions on the impressions he gave or if I saw what I wanted. Maybe I had ideas about Will that he didn't mind me having, even if they weren't spot on. It's all shades of grey. Anyhow, his actions didn't align with what I requested or thought was right for a long time. I may never forgive myself for not taking a stand early on. It was weakness and fear on my part.

"Okay, you admit it. It’s over and you know he/she isn't coming back, ever. The depression phase is about extremes. Suddenly, life feels like it’s over. The sun has stopped shinning. You’re in a daze and the pain and agony are so overwhelming you cannot remember the last time you smiled. Your bad habits become amplified. If you smoke, you smoke more. If you drink, you now want to be drunk and you may eat constantly or not at all. Mostly, life is full of malaise and even routine tasks become drudgery, while work nearly impossible or an obsession.

When you finally admit it's over, the hardest part of grief begins, depression.

Men will often internalize depression as anger or men will attempt to displace it with work or something else that makes them feel worthy.

In women, depression is generally more obvious as it can turn the most competent and confident woman into a needy and insecure bundle of self-doubt. Whatever the method is by which you internalize or deal with depression, it's important to realize this is what is happening. Recognizing what is happening is the first step in beating it. The depression phase can last for months and in some cases even years (seek professional help if it goes longer then sixty days). But if you're lucky, less than a week."

"When alone, you engage his/her memory in conversations, apologizing and begging him or her to take you back and give you one more chance."

I didn't do this with his memory, I did this with him. He didn't divulge much, so I didn't really see that his uncertainty about his feelings for me were a symptom rather than a cause. I was still fighting for that ideal future with someone I didn't actually know anymore. Things are always clearer in hindsight. He had mentioned something about how he had changed, but it took some reflection to see how right he was. I wasn't tight lipped about this phase, so I don't feel I need to elaborate more now. I think I'm out of the woods as far as the depression stage.

"Anger is an emotion difficult for some, especially women. Women are taught to be non-confrontational and caretakers in our society. Expressions of anger are often realized in two manners: passive-aggressive acts and despondent depression. In severe cases of depression, self-mutilation is in evidence. This is also a symptom of deep depression brought on by self-loathing and does require professional help. Self-loathing can be caused when a woman blames the end of the relationship on who she is and believes it is her faults and imperfection that chased him away. During the anger phase it is not unusual to find yourself flip-flopping between anger, depression and denial."

I guess Chrissy has a point there as far as passive-aggression. It's just too bad that people I cared so much for are basing their opinions of me on my behavior during a normal grieving process rather than the last six years they've known me. It's simply unfair. The world is full of people who have done much worse for much less. It truly was not that bad.

I'm not just angry for myself. He also took advantage of my mother's generosity and I was ashamed I let that happen to her. Different people keep telling me that I made exceptions for him that they wouldn't have. Even my friends made exceptions for him just because I requested it. Then he thumbs his nose at me(metaphorically speaking) in the face of all that I have done for him. Leaving me with nothing to show for the last three years of our relationship. Not even a good thought of him to make me feel less foolish for bending over backwards for him(again, metaphorically speaking). It still makes me angry.

"Heal your emotions or they will get in the way. What is left unhealed is the part of your heart you can never give away."

I don't think I'm quite there as far as acceptance. I still bargain. I still consider all the different ways he could have spared me by being completely honest and forthcoming. Lying to spare my feelings at first did far more damage than good. Especially when he reneged on our agreement without warning. That made it all the more confusing for me!

If Chrissy hadn't done such an excellent job convincing me of a lie I could have bowed out gracefully.

I sometimes wondered where I would be if: he asked me to seriously consider moving with him, he hadn't been evicted, he had moved in with his friends, he hadn't lost his job at gamestop to begin with...but I also recognize the futility of these thoughts. The past cannot be changed; only learned from.

I'm not there just yet, but I feel I'm not far off either.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 13:35:21 GMT

I saw by the calendar this morning that my uncle will be staying the weekend. He's a good guy, but he'll be spending all weekend chain smoking and "fixing" the computer. This will increase my mother's cigarette intake. My allergies have been flaring up already. Maybe preparing for the trip will get me out of the house and away from the smoke.

Today is the day I must decide which job to take. I'm really leaning towards the physical therapy/pain management office in Lincoln Park. The only deal breaker is if they offer crappy pay. It's four days a week, so hopefully they would make up for it with a higher pay rate.

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 21:05:55 GMT

After work I went to visit with Virginia and her son wants me to do special effects makeup for a project he's doing. Good thing I recently bought some liquid latex to mess with! I'm very excited to be a part of something theatrical again.

I come home to find a message from yet ANOTHER office asking for an interview. It's bloody amazing, isn't it?

Looks like I'm having dinner with Tyree and Marisa tonight.

Tomorrow I get paid and get Ty her belated birthday present! I'm not sure what I want to get for Marisa yet(they have the same birthday).

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:16:43 GMT

So after 10 months of fruitless job searching today I am faced with two job offers.

Yesterday after work I had sort of an impromptu interview at an office in Lincoln Park (right on the border of it by Melvindale 5 minute drive tops) for a pain management doctor and a physical therapist. She asked me to come back Friday to get into the "nitty gritty" and I wasn't sure if that meant I got it. The woman who set that up for me calls me and informs me, yes, I did get it. The practice is just starting out and it would be a great opportunity because I would essentially be an office manager. When things went well enough they would pay for me to learn medical billing. It would be 4 days a week. We haven't discussed pay rate yet.

This morning I recieved a call from the OBGYN office asking when I can start. It's full time $10 an hour(kinda lame) and the benefits are excellent, but expensive. The office already established. I told them I would call them tomorrow around 2:00.

I can't believe this!

It's a real word?!

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 15:38:46 GMT

The Word of the Day for August 7 is:

scaramouch \skair-uh-MOOSH\ noun
1 capitalized : a stock character in the Italian commedia
dell'arte that burlesques the Spanish don and is characterized by boastfulness
and cowardliness
2 a : a cowardly buffoon *b : rascal, scamp

Example sentence:
My great uncle was an untrustworthy old scaramouch.

Something to counteract the gloomy weather

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 13:33:06 GMT

I love it! Cute, half naked gay boys dancing around and singing my song. It never fails to make me a little giddy.

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 13:57:16 GMT

I've had a really busy weekend. My dad went to his cabin and I took care of his ancient, taleless cat. He told me he would have liked me to stay over, but I had too many things going on.

Friday my friends and I went miniature golfing again. Jeff managed to stay dry. We were the last to leave and the staff was glaring us down. I hit my ball into the water on the second to last hole. We wanted to go to Simon's afterwards, but the street fair made it impossible to park at a bar in Allen Park. We went to a bar by Jeff's house with the worst dj ever. We all gave Tyree a hard time on the way back pretty much for the sake of giving her a hard time. Sorry, Ty.

Will was less than specific about when he would be over, so that didn't go as smoothly as it could. I trusted him to lock up after I left for Ty's party and the thanks I got was appropriate for the way things have been going lately. I don't know what he thinks is going to happen if he communicates with me, but it must be catastrophic!

Pamela carpooled with me and came along while I fed the cat. We found the hotel without incident. There was a wedding in the hotel, which is kinda cool if you know how Embassy Suites is set up. Pamela walks into the hotel in her bathing suit and we're surrounded by people in formal wear. Tyree and Jeff watched the wedding as they waited. They have glass elevators and I guess the bride kind of posed in the elevator on the way down to the ceremony. Free drink time is way better in the Chicago location. They only let us have three drinks each. The bartender in the lounge was really cool. She gave me a free coke and told us about how she went skydiving.

There were some problems with the room, but it was still very nice. When everyone showed up we went swimming. Tyree and I didn't want to get our hair wet, but Jeff being the belligerent drunk that he was removed that choice. The pool was small and had a ton of chlorine. They had some construction going on, so they're probably expanding it soon. Jeff wouldn't leave the pool until it closed, so the rest of us played "I've Never" until we could cut the cake Minta brought. Minta never drinks, so it didn't take much for her. I guess after they went home her eye fell down the sink and Chris had to take some pipes apart to retrieve it. The rest of the night we just hung out and acted silly and watched Monster Squad. Free breakfast was awesome as usual. Made to order eggs are the only way to go.

Being there brought up some memories that can't be fond at this point. I was relieved to be around a group of people and not feel ill at ease. Yes, even around all those females! I started to feel downright depressed when I saw Tyree make a sandwhich out of her breakfast. I just hope it wasn't too noticeable because I didn't want to be a downer at her birthday celebration. Then I got home and was just pissed.

A couple people wanted to hang out yesterday, but I feel like I have to sort of recharge after socializing with a group for that long. My mom said she wants us to spend a weekend together. I love my mom, but I don't know about that. She wants me to confide in her, but I'm really not able to look at my mom as a friend. Maybe after I'm a mother, but right now the idea makes me very uncomfortable.

Note to self:

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 17:18:38 GMT

Learn to trust your insticts already! They always seem to be right.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 14:03:06 GMT

I grew up in a stable home(so far as I can remember) with a generous mother who loved me unconditionally. All my life I've had wonderful friends. Good people through and through who have always always been there for me in a time of need. I was surrounded by people whom I've treated as I'd like to be treated and they did the same. This resulted in me looking for the good in people and wanting to help people and being trusting and all that fairy tale stuff.

I know it's sadly rare and I know I should be grateful. It's just that it's left me ill prepared for situations like these. I don't know how else to be.